


You Are The Reason

by Kitkatjo



Category: Aphmau's Minecraft Diaries, Minecraft diaries - Fandom, aphmau - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst with a (sorta?) Happy Ending, Family Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Immortality, Irene dimension, Levin is always babie sorry those are the rules, Phoenix Drop, They all have their issues, Yggdrasil forest, Zoey has several existential crisis, Zoey raises Levin and Malachi, ghost Malachi, sorry the paragraphs are a bit spaced out im not the best at formatting on this site yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:00:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22117534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitkatjo/pseuds/Kitkatjo
Summary: Zoey could never have imagined herself becoming solely responsible for the lives of Lady Aphmau's sons, but sometimes the world works in ways you least expect it to; and in ways you most fear.
Relationships: Aphmau/Levin, Aphmau/Malachi, Aphmau/Zoey, Levin/Malachi, Zoey/Levin, Zoey/Malachi
Kudos: 15





	1. I'd Climb Every Mountain

**Author's Note:**

> One thing about McD that's always stuck with me is how little was explored on the fifteen years Levin and Malachi spent with Zoey. I've always had sort of an idea of what I thought it was like, and I wanted to really explore all the possibilities in this short fic. Hopefully you enjoy!

It had been a mere two days since the elf of Yggdrasil had departed on the vessel to her home, to provide a temporary safe getaway for the innocent villagers of Phoenix Drop. A war had raged of which she nor anybody else on that ship could see, but Zoey might as well have been right in the middle of it all. With every soothing sideways rock of the vessel, the elf's terror grew, like her hope for her home was dangling by a thin line off of the edge. 

And now, days later, she had brought everyone back home, and here she stood on the war-damaged docks, alone. 

She stared into the deep blue of the sea as she tried to shove the image of a disheveled Dante from her mind, in pure tearful hysterics as he told her Lady Aphmau was  _ gone _ . She was gone, and a portal to the Irene dimension had taken her, as well as a good number of her companions. 

_ The Irene dimension.  _ The knowledge of that place alone instantly made Zoey realize that they had truly vanished, and they could remain missing for as little as a year or for as long as eternity. With the huge time gap, nobody could ever know how long it would truly be. 

Zoey could only bite her tongue hard and make herself turn away from the endless waves, shifting her gaze to the two young boys who pranced in the tall blooming field, giggling and playing like children should. 

They frolicked right next to their adoptive mother's house, in the yard she had made for them, dancing on light feet like they had nothing to worry about, nothing to grieve and no devastating truths to be unveiled to them. Seeing the duo so joyful and blissfully unaware made her wish with all her heart that she didn't have to deliver the news. 

She didn't even wish to believe it herself.

The elf blinked harshly against the tears that threatened to break from her blue orbs and forced herself to walk, slowly over to the abandoned house and its yard. 

The youngest blond boy perked up and ran forward as soon as his caretaker came into view, laughter and love in his eyes all the way until he rammed straight into her legs, letting out an exaggerated grunt of impact. 

Malachi made his way over as well, his run abruptly changing to a walk when he captured what the elf could only guess was her own expression. His own face morphed into one of worry, but he remained silent until he was standing by Zoey's feet as well. 

The little blond Levin's face began to change as he switched his gaze between his brother and his caretaker, demeanor turning from an unaware happiness to distress. 

Zoey's stomach turned violently, almost enough to knock her off her feet; she knew what was coming next. With distress came desire with young children, a desire for a certain someone. The elf couldn't have prepared her ears for the toddler's question in time for the words to slip out of his mouth.

"Where's Mama?"

As soon as they were spoken, those two words seared through the Yggdrasil elf's chest, an ever painful, harsh reminder that Aphmau was truly gone. 

She was whisked away by the long lasting chasm between the Irene dimension and their own, and no way to get her back standing between them or anyone.

She could only look down to the small blond child, who was watching her with those big, longing baby blue eyes. She did her best to swallow the second wave of tears that forced their way up her throat, fighting against the weight that pushed heavier and heavier against her chest. 

Zoey shifted her gaze to the all too knowing face of the former ghost Malachi, his expression now contorted to horror. 

She kneeled down to their level and locked eyes with the older child, wearily taking a moment to wonder if she could even have the strength to falsely assure Levin everything was alright. She could lie and promise the two children they would see her soon, and they could carry on without knowing, without carrying the burden just for a little bit longer. 

Zoey didn't answer. 

The elf just leaned forward and silently took both of them into her arms, holding onto their backs and resting her head in between their shoulders. She shut her eyes tightly to keep herself from falling apart, fighting her uneven breathing as she felt Malachi grip onto her cloak and relax sorrowfully into her embrace, Levin remaining silent and blinking in sweet unawareness. 

_ Oh Irene, bring her back to us.  _ she begged silently _ , I'm in no position to care for the lives of these children.  _

_ Irene, bring her back.  _

  
  


~<>~

  
  


Zoey didn't know how much longer she could take the constant crying. 

The elf was up again, sauntering past Malachi who remained sitting silently facing a corner, the woman entering the child's room to sit down with him and rock him in the chair beside his bed. She held the younger blonde child like a newborn as he wailed, only a painful reminder of what she was trying so hard to forget about for just a moment. With every cry escaping Levin's throat, Zoey felt the pain of the truth resurface. 

It was hard enough finally telling the two that Aphmau was not coming back. 

Malachi immediately became quiet, seeming to never cry or make a sound whatsoever. He would sit on his spot on the floor, refusing to step foot into the bedroom with his brother, and would not look at him unless the smaller child directly sought his attention. 

Levin had certainly not taken it well. He was at a constant state of juvenile agony, never seeming to be dry-eyed for more than an hour. The loss of the only mother he knew dived him into a different life his three year old existence could barely comprehend. Zoey did her very best to distract him with the best stories and playtime her own broken heart could offer, and sometimes it worked, but it mostly backfired into another episode of tears. It would take a lot of time for him to be a happy playful child again. Even for her, it would take a lot of time. 

As Levin now began to settle down in her arms, Zoey still rocked and looked around at the strewn about boxes full of the boys' things, being packed away carefully as she prepared them for a move. 

She didn't know where they would go yet, but right now she knew they wouldn't be spending much more time in the house full of too many memories. If the children - and herself - were ever to recover, they couldn't do it here. 

As far as the elf knew, Dante had been checking the area of the portal every day for the last few sunrises since the ship arrived back in Phoenix Drop. The blue haired guard had sat himself down for tea with Zoey once or a couple of times with his reports, never being able to stay for long, for reasons that were already clear in her mind. 

Levin finally grew completely silent in Zoey's arms once she began to sing an old Elvan tune, softly luring the boy to sleep with her foreign verses in the form of a lullaby. She finally relaxed and let out a quiet sigh as the toddler's dampened eyes drifted close, dipping into a light sleep. As the elf carefully lay him back down in his bed, his older brother passed her mind again. She crept down the staircase, the worn out wood creaking in protest with every step. Before heading to the basement to sleep, Zoey stopped by Malachi's area, where he remained sitting very still, close to the dormant fireplace. The elf sighed and lowered herself down on her knees next to him, eyes locking onto the purple clay walls. The former ghost took a few moments before he looked up to see who was visiting him. As soon as Zoey turned and got a look at his face, she could see the fatigue, as if he hadn't slept for days. Dark circles showed under his eyes, and she could tell he was doing his best to hold back tears. 

For a moment neither of them spoke, only Zoey watching the deep green orbs that stared back at her with a deep pain of loss. And for a moment, she felt a connection, a tired, weary connection of two creatures who had lived for centuries, watching the world go by as the decades passed, always seeming to hold on tightly to small insignificant moments and people that never stayed but managed to sear many permanent scars with their presence and then their loss. She was staring at a human who had once been an exterrestrial being living a nightmare and luring others to live their nightmares too, and who had now lost the one person who had lovingly and selflessly pulled him out of it so he could feel the love and the joy of being young again. 

And she was staring at a child. 

Zoey didn't even realize she was crying until a pale hand reached out to grab the front of her cloak, snapping her back to reality. Clammy fingers latched onto the fabric and balled it into his fist, shivering slightly as he searched his caretaker's eyes with a heartbreaking desperation. 

And as liquid began to pool gently into his gleaming green eyes, finally letting loose after days of building up, he never released his gaze from the elf's face. 

"You have magicks," Malachi blurted, a high pitched, charred sound that barely came out, nearly as quiet as the heart she could feel pounding uncomfortably inside her ears. "You can bring her back. You can use your magicks and bring her back,  _ right?" _

The boy's voice became louder and more clear with every word, and he used his other hand to nab Zoey's cloak just as viciously as the other had. 

_ " _ You brought _ me  _ back. _ You can fix all of this, can't you?" _ He spoke in a knowing tone, not a questioning one, as if he was willing to believe anything and everything right and then if it meant he could see his surrogate mother again. "You just haven't figured it out yet! You can do it, you're just waiting for the right moment!  _ Right?" _

For a split second the boy's face flashed a frantic smile, and Zoey could barely supress the sobs that threatened to echo around the small living space. The building mass of emotion overflowed and tumbled out of her and she covered her mouth as tears flowed freely down her pale freckled face.

She couldn't fix this. Even as a powerful being with magicks, there was no way in Ru'an she could  _ begin _ to fix this. Even if she could, it would take years, if not an eternity to bring back the two children's everything, their happiness, their mother figure. She couldn't fix this, and in all of a few moments she felt like the biggest failure to all creature kind. 

She couldn't fix this. 

She couldn't bring her back. 

Zoey's weeping began, hunching over the young former ghost, agony searing through her chest as her whole body seemed to tremble under the weight of all their pain. She heard the boy let a cry rip through his throat over her head, so loud and vicious it could have been pent up for weeks on end. 

The floorboards beneath her blurred into nothing as her lids were wrenched closed, forced to watch her entire childhood flash before her eyes. Her upbringing, her banishment, all the pain and lies and hurt and roads and trials and loss and love. All ending with this, an old elf with two children who she had let down harder than she could ever have let her own self down. 

The Yggdrasilian sobbed loud enough for all of Ru'an to hear, now buried beneath Malachi's body and tangled limbs as he clung to the only thing he had left, soaking her cloak in his rain and letting out the torrent he had kept inside. The woman curled herself into the tightest ball she could, as if she became small enough it'd be enough to forget her existence.

Everything hurt, everything was too much, she wanted nothing more to hear the boys laugh and be joyous and not this,  _ never _ this, and Irene she just wanted fate to screech to a halt on its heels and let them have their Lord back. 

Zoey wanted nothing to matter.

But it did matter. Two things mattered, she realized hazily as she now sensed Levin's loud bawling from upstairs, clearly awoken and upset by the other two's noise. 

Right now, two things mattered more than anything, and she couldn't give up on them. She wouldn't. No matter how much it hurt.

Levin's wails rang harshly through the elf's ears, and she let them for a long few minutes until the older child above her had finally quieted down. She swallowed and forced herself to sit straight up, feeling Malachi slide away and off of the back of her cloak. Now face to face once more, Zoey watched the boy sniffle and viciously rub his eyes, then lower his arm and look at her with the most complex expression she had ever seen in her existence. It was grieved as if he had lost his entire world, but it was also tired as if nothing mattered to him at all.

"I don't know what came over me," The boy spoke simply, his croaked words barely recognizable, still cloaked with grief and weariness. "I'm sorry." 

The elf could not hold his outburst against him, not at such a time as now, so she remained quiet. 

Zoey heaved a large breath into her aching lungs and made her own face presentable before hauling herself up to wobbly feet. Before she could comprehend anything else, she felt a small hand slip into her own, looking down to find that the child kept his eyes locked on the stairs leading up to their bedroom. 

"Shall you come with me this time?" Zoey offered, her speech low and calloused with grief as she focused on keeping herself upright; a grueling task in of itself.

Malachi only nodded his head once as if he didn't have the strength to do anything else in response, and then he walked forward towards the stairs before the elf made her first step. 

She would calm Levin down once more, and then they would finish packing.

They were leaving. Tonight. 

  
  


~<>~

  
  


" _ Zoey… _ " The man with ruffled, unruly blue hair stood at his post, both arms out to his sides in exasperation. 

His dark blue eyes wore heavy circles beneath them, clearly betraying his lack of self care and sleep as he seemed to beg with the elf in front of him. His voice was rough, exaggerated and forced as if his throat nearly refused to let him speak. 

" _ Please _ think more about this. I don't know how I can manage-…"

He trailed off and paused, soddenly at a loss for words. 

Zoey managed a patient smile for all she was worth, only managing to hold it for a moment. The young guard locked his eyes on her face with a hopeful weariness, as if he stared hard enough she'd change her mind. As much as the elf wanted to give in, she planted her feet beneath her as two children clung to her cloak, each carrying a tiny duffel bag full of their favorite toys, while she held the rest of their things in a giant sack, weighing on her back. 

"I'm sure you'll do fine," Zoey attempted to soothe the ruffled guard as she adjusted the straps digging into her shoulders, resisting the urge to drain her magic by simply letting it levitate, "You've done well so far, Dante."

Her expression then turned more somber, seriousness tinging the corners of her old eyes. 

"I need to do what is best for her boys."

Dante visibly swallowed at that response, his grip strengthening on his sheath and causing his knuckles to whiten. He nodded, a small, repetitive, rapid motion as he averted his eyes, a motion laced with discomfort and surely an attempt to keep his mind focused away from the mention of his former Lord. 

"Y-yes, I understand, but…"

"I'm glad you understand," Zoey interrupted, fighting to keep the rust out of her throat while trying to speak. Staying strong was the hardest thing she could manage right now, and she wanted this interaction to be as quick as possible. 

"I will be leaving to the Yggdrasil Forest to raise the children. They need a new place to call home."

_ A new place protected by a Lord, a place that isn't falling apart due to a loss, a place where we can start over, a place where I can do my research to even begin to come up with a chance that I could bring our Lord Aphmau back someday.  _

Zoey added these things in her mind but did not speak them out loud. Partly from fear, partly from thoughts of failure, partly from desire of brevity because she really just wanted to leave as soon as possible. She knew she wouldn't be able to stand being in front of the guard's sad puppy dog eyes for much longer. 

Dante hung his head for a second as if accepting defeat, then slowly rose it after a long moment. He blinked away the tears that had begun in his eyes, leaving them without a trace. 

"Yes, my Lady."

He nodded once and stood straight, but then in a moments notice his guard posture crumbled and he stepped forward in invitations for an embrace. Zoey sighed and stepped forward, letting the guard's strong arms wrap around her back briefly, feeling him rest his chin on the elf's shoulder for a second before stepping back. 

The Yggdrasil elf glanced down to Levin and Malachi as the guard offered the boys a salute, his dark eyes shining with weariness and regret. 

"Please, be safe."

Zoey smiled, a real one this time, then looked away and led the children forward to the docks, one hand on each shoulder. 

"And… please come back soon."

Dante finished once they were a distance away, but the elf could hear it loud and clear. She didn't look back as she boarded the children into the boat, Levin waving one arm to his home in a sorrowful goodbye. Zoey stepped in herself, gazing up the large billowing sails that would take them on their three day journey.


	2. And Swim Every Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levin and Malachi are cuties and Zoey questions her worth as a mother.

Soft candlelight cast a warm orange glow on scribbles of black ink against a paper canvas, contrasted by the harsh whites and blues of the moon's light outside the window. A pale hand reached up to send a small spark of magicks into a pair of spectacles, adjusting the focus as the elf brought the book closer to her face. 

Words blurred further and further past Zoey's vision the more she tried to force her brain to focus, and eventually she set her project down with a long sigh. 

She didn't understand. Usually the night hours were the best for concentration, when the world was quiet and her boys were asleep. But tonight, she just could not focus. 

The elf chuckled tiredly as she recalled a time; about five years ago, when she had first moved back to her old unwelcoming home. After the political part of everything was over with and she was permitted her own house back at the expense of needing to care for two young children, it took a long time to adjust. For a while she wondered how in Irene's name Aphmau was able to do it, care for children so effortlessly, and while the weight of Lord was set on her shoulders, no less. And yet here Zoey was, barely getting by on a wink of sleep, only finding peace in the night hours before finally drifting off herself, leaned back in her armchair by the fireplace with her work scattered about. 

As the years went by, Zoey had found it much easier to adjust her internal clock, getting much needed work done when everything was dim and peaceful. And yet here she was now, feeling exhaustion weigh down on her like a thick blanket, inviting and welcoming her to close her eyes for a single moment… just like all those years ago. 

Zoey stared at the book for a few long moments before finally closing it with a soft thud and setting it aside. Maybe if she made some tea, she could focus efficiently. 

Before the elf could even prepare to stand herself up, she heard the sound of bare feet thumping on wood, the noise she could only recognize to be two certain boys descending down the staircase at the end of the candlelit hall. The fond smile had already found itself on her face before she even caught sight of a ruffled brown haired boy in his striped pajamas, green eyes gleaming as he pulled along his adoptive young brother. Said brother's hair was even more of a mess, blond locks sticking every which way as he giggled behind Malachi, his animal onesie's feet trailing behind him like oversized socks. 

"Aren't you both supposed to be asleep?" Zoey chided them, but couldn't hide the grin from her face as she watched the boys stop in front of her, eyes both gleaming with anticipation. 

"We can't! We wanna hear more stories," The blonde seven-year-old bounced up and down on his feet, nearly tripping over his own pajamas with the effort. His hands were balled up together in a pleading manner, and the older boy next to him looked just as wordlessly eager, fingers idly playing with his pajama shirt sleeve. 

Levin and Malachi looked as if they had been telling their own stories upstairs, eyes aglow with adventure and mystery, all imagined up by the tales Zoey had shared with them just a few hours earlier. The elf felt like she would never get tired of storytime with these two, so of course she couldn't say no. 

"Alright," Their caretaker closed her eyes as she caved, listening to the music of their hushed, excited giggles, searching her mind for a good tale. "Just one, then it's bedtime for you two."

They didn't even complain, not one little noise of disappointment. As soon as the black haired ten-year-old plopped himself down on the rug in front of her, crossing his legs and folding his hands as he looked up, Levin descended down next to him in a much more clumsy manner. Zoey chuckled and reached for the book sitting on the stand next to her without even turning her head. 

There were many tales for her to choose from. She had told many to these boys, and yet hundreds were still yet to be untold. She shared stories of the wonders of magicks, all of the divine warriors, legends and true stories at that, including many more. But there were a stack of tales she had distinctly avoided telling, however, she realized with a quick jolt of sudden emotion in her chest. The tales of the woman who had saved the lives of the children in front of her, and even drastically changed her own life for the better. Her gaze softened in a melancholy manner as she explored her mind for all of the ways Aphmau had done wonders for and cared for the small village of Phoenix Drop all those years ago. Though she was nothing more than a simple maiden, she created more stories of wonders and magicks that held a certain charm which even tales of Irene Herself could not outweigh. 

The Yggdrasil elf exhaled through her nose, letting her shoulders sag as she closed her eyes. She would have to start sooner rather than later. Though the loss of their Lord still brought pain to her soul to this day, she simply couldn’t let her children forget about her. Opening her shining blue orbs, Zoey flipped silently through her writing book as the two bundles below her waited in quiet anticipation, doing her best to ignore the sharp pang of emotion she sensed in the elder of the boys.

“This tale,” she began, voice low and soft, pale face reflecting firelight and candlelight, no longer contrasted by the moon as it had risen into the middle stretches of the night sky, “Is about the Lord of the once prosperous village in Ru’an, Phoenix Drop.”   
  
As soon as she finished, Levin’s eyes lit up brighter than any of the light sources in the room. “Mom!” He blurted with a joyous tone, bouncing in his sitting position. The boy next to him however widened his eyes in surprise, as if he hadn't been expecting her words. His face eased back into a somber smile, and Zoey forced herself to look away, clutching the binding of the book she held.    
She had mentioned Aphmau many a time when the young blonde boy had asked what every boy his age would naturally inquire; ‘Where did I come from?’ All of Zoey’s responses were truth, she had explained how a lovely maiden had found him, dropped away in a box, and had begun to raise him as her own. And now, the elf herself had to raise him in place of the Lord. When he had asked why, her response was always a hesitant; ‘That is a tale for another day.’

Perhaps that ‘another day’ was now, Zoey thought to herself, though the painful realization was not easy to take. Levin had to know one day, and what good would it be to hide such a magnificent story in spite of herself and Malachi? 

Telling the tale of Aphmau would take quite a long time, so maybe implementing the stories into chapters would satisfy the eager boys in front of her.    
  
The elf took a deep breath, leafed through the book, settled onto a page, and began.

She started from the beginning. Chapter one.    
Zoey told the two boys about Aphmau, a maiden found out of nowhere, suddenly doing marvelous things for their broken down village and coming to even rule it at the expense of putting herself in grave danger. She spoke of Zane Ro’meave, the evil High Priest, though she definitely spared details for both Levin and the older brother’s sake, especially the former ghost’s. She spoke of how Aphmau built Phoenix Drop from the ground up, restoring their crops and establishing trade, even giving them their beautiful statue of Irene the Matron herself. And the entire time, both boys looked up at her with the starriest eyes she had ever seen, Malachi’s just as bright even though he had heard the stories many a time already. And for the first time in five years, Zoey felt something spark in her chest, something different from the ache of loss and sorrow she was so used to enduring. As her children watched her and hung onto her every word, eyelids drooping as their chins rested in their tiny palms, eyes aglow even through the haziness of their late bedtime, the elf felt a soft endearment settle in her heart. It was a glowing warmth and it was kind to her, heavily contrasting the pain she had seemed to feel for years. 

Zoey finished her tale and shut the book for a second time that night, now resting her palm on the old fabric binding of the book; her oldest treasure. Though Levin was nearly toppling over with sleepiness, his baby blue eyes were shining and he looked up at his caretaker with the biggest grin she had ever seen before on his face. His brother watched her as well, though his eyes held a different kind of light; one that was soft and happy, but with just a hint of uncovered sadness. Zoey forced herself not to frown. Sometimes she seemed to forget that the brown haired boy was not merely a child, but rather a being who had lived many more years than a human should. Though his face had a juvenile shape, she could never look past the sense of maturity in his gaze, the child in him still aglow albeit much more dim than it ever should be. 

The Yggdrasil elf smiled lovingly at the two, letting her focus dwell on the eldest a bit longer. She could not help but see the knowing in his eyes, and how he remembered every bit of what his foster mother had done for him, unlike Levin. The youngest was growing up normally, just like a human should, and that of course meant that over the years, his true memories of Aphmau would slip away. Malachi would always remember, would always love her and miss her more than anybody in the room, and for a moment Zoey wondered if it was for the better or for the worse this way.

The elf set the book to the side of her once more, then leaned over in her seat and set one hand on each of the boys’ heads, ruffling their soft, messy hair. Levin giggled beneath her and grabbed her wrist playfully, and the older brother simply smiled, for real this time, and leaned into her palm.    
  
“Alright,” Zoey sighed, her own voice now dripping with exhaustion as she removed her hands and stood up. “Time for bed.”

Levin instantly scrambled to his feet, tripping over his pajama animal socks before successfully latching onto the blond woman’s legs, albeit sprawled out on the ground, sleepy voice still interlaced with soft giggling. Malachi followed suit, gently hugging her hips, and the blond stood up, still attached to her. The elf ran her hands down their backs and the soft fabric of their knitted pajamas, warm from the candlelit room around the three of them, and then two words escaped the youngest's lips that made her heart momentarily sink to the pit of her stomach.

“Goodnight, Mom.”

Levin let go and turned heel, miraculously staying steady on his feet this time as he made way to the dimly lit staircase in the corner of the room. Malachi held on for just a moment longer, then bade a quiet ‘goodnight’ before following his brother up the steps.

The elf stared in front of her, and even as the boys left her sight, leaving nothing but the sound of creaking wood as they ascended the stairs, she was left in a silent trance, many different emotions bubbling up among her insides. One that stood out was a pain she so vividly remembered, but also a feeling that she was nothing more than a replacement for someone who mattered much more. A soft, uncomfortable glow lit up in her chest, causing her breathing to falter for a moment.

Zoey didn’t ever want him to call her that again.

‘Mom’ should have only been for Aphmau, and should always be, and never for anybody else for as long as they lived. But the name echoed in her brain, that beautiful, innocent child calling her a parent when she could never measure up to the mother that Aphmau was. It made her feel a sickness she couldn’t describe, forcing her out of her dark thoughts and making her come to another realization, both angrily contrasting each other.

Who was she to deny Levin of a parental figure?

Who was she to deny it to both of them?

Zoey clutched her head, ascending the staircase herself as she let her feet mindlessly lead her towards her sleeping quarters, all the way until she was standing at the foot of her bed.   
  
But at the same time, who was she to raise these children, the children of a Lord?

The elf sat at the foot of her mattress, green orbs searching the old, candlelit wooden beams beneath her. 

Even after all this time, she never stopped feeling wrong. Though her boys loved her, she could never let go of the fact that she was never meant to be in this position.

But she was the only parent these children had right now. And no matter how much Aphmau’s absence hurt, even after all these years, she could never deny these two small sunshines less than what they utterly deserved. 

And if she had to be ‘Mom…’ so be it.

Zoey screwed her eyes shut against her growing headache, and tried to let the thin blanket of slumber overtake her.


	3. Just To Be With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Homeward bound.

"Mom? I want to talk to you."

Zoey looked up from her conversation with another elf and smiled at her young teenage son, who was approaching her in a steadfast walk. 

The two were enjoying another spring day in Yggdrasil, the forest sheltering their village with comforting colors of yellow and dim green. 

Levin was growing so fast, and didn't waste using it to his advantage to look tall and important. He seemed to always focus on keeping his usual stride wide and confident, though his loveable optimistic self shone through in his mannerisms in more ways than one. The sixteen year old now stood in front of her, face somber and blonde hair carefully groomed back, shining in his Yggdrasil elvan apparel. However, his expression made the elf suddenly frown, realizing the boy was very serious about what he was about to discuss with her. 

“What is it, Levin?” Zoey responded softly, unable to hide the bit of uncertainty from her tone as the blonde shifted from foot to foot. Upon the woman’s request, he looked up towards her and pushed a long breath out of his lungs before his eyes darted back to the ground beneath him. Zoey wished she could look into his mind to see just what he was thinking about.   
  


“It has come to my attention that my old home is in ruins, more now than ever. I know it’s old news, but…” He paused, looking around him as if the answer to his doubts were resting among the life-giving trees surrounding their forest village. “I want to go back.”

The elf’s green eyes widened and she felt her heart stop beating for a moment as she tried to process the young man’s words. 

“What?” The response slipped out from behind her teeth, strained and quiet. 

The woman saw spots before her vision in surprise, suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling she hadn’t quite experienced in nearly ten years. All those years ago, when Phoenix Drop’s Lord first disappeared. For a moment it all came rushing back, and Zoey had to clutch her head as a pounding ache threatened to flood her senses. 

Levin flinched just slightly at her reaction, but immediately straightened himself and looked the elf in the eyes, expression hardening once again when the resident of Yggdrasil lifted her head and looked at her son.

“I want...” The boy repeated, hands now clenching into fists. Not out of anger, Zoey knew because she could see the hope and passion in his eyes, “...to go back.”

"I’ve been thinking about it,” Levin continued, not waiting for another response, even though the elf’s head was churning too much for her to even do so anyhow. “I’ve been thinking about it a whole lot, actually. I want to go home, Mom. Without my-... Lord Aphmau… Phoenix Drop is in danger. I need to go back and try to fix what has been torn down and restore what the village once was when she disappeared.”

“I'm… their rightful Lord," He finished, eyes squeezing shut as he forced his hands to open and relax, though his pinched face held a pensive fear that Zoey could tell he was doing his very best to suppress.

Zoey's eyes softened and she sighed lowly. She knew how the boy was the son of the former Lord Malik and his wife Matilda, but her soul wrenched at the thought of the boy she raised taking such a responsibility. 

"Are you sure you want this?" She spoke finally, her shaking voice barely higher than a whisper as she searched her son’s eyes for even a trace of a chance that he might change his mind. Part of her wanted him to stay with her in Yggdrasil forever, doing her best to deny the other half that knew he would have to grow up someday. Though every part of her wanted to hold onto her boys forever, it was time to let life go on, just as she had been doing for centuries, though every time it didn’t seem to become any easier.

The boy Zoey raised for 15 years stood tall in front of her, expression hardening even further than the elf ever remembered seeing on such a once soft child.

"I'm positive," He finished with clarity, his shoulders shaking with tension as his blue eyes anticipatingly sparkled. Zoey let out a breath and it came out as a halfhearted chuckle, feeling the corners of her lips slowly but surely curl into a small smile. 

“Only if you’ll have me and your brother,” Zoey compromised in a forced voice, fighting the large lump that suddenly formed in her throat, preventing any more words from coming out of her.

The biggest smile the elf had ever seen suddenly spread over the young man’s face in a moment’s notice, his baby blue eyes gleaming brightly against the noonday sun filtering through the thick forest boughs above them. A hushed, high pitched noise escaped his airway, and immediately the elf felt herself tangled in her son’s long lanky limbs as he momentarily squeezed her against him in an embrace. The man pulled away and studied his adoptive mother’s face with a soft fondness before speaking up.

“I’m gonna go tell Malachi the good news. And…” Levin’s face suddenly turned over into a small frown as he thought of what the elf could only assume was the elvans he had grown so close to and grown up with over the years. “Say my goodbyes.”

Zoey nodded slowly, unable to prevent a wave of tears to trail down her face, a burst of emotions she couldn't quite comprehend. Before the blonde ran off in search of his foster brother, he captured his mom’s expression and planted a soft kiss to her pale cheek. He then backed off with a leisurely grin, turning to bound off through the forest back towards their cabin. Zoey placed a hand to her cheek, watching ahead of her until the boy’s form disappeared from her sight completely. 

She closed her eyes. Why had she decided to go with him? Levin was perfectly capable to travel by himself at his age, but a nagging feeling kept her from passing up the opportunity. Perhaps seeing Phoenix Drop again after fifteen years would be… pleasant. It couldn’t hurt to spend a bit there, especially since her research on the Irene Dimension was so extremely close to making a breakthrough. The pain in her chest was greatly outweighed by her feelings of nostalgia and curiosity, and she found she just could not deny herself the experience, not now.

Zoey began the trek back to home, closing her eyes and letting her instinct lead her back, just listening to the sound of birds and other creatures make their presence known in the boughs of forest that was their village’s sky. 

  
  


~<>~

  
  


Traveling by ship was definitely a new experience for Zoey. New, except of course for the exception of bringing the boys back to Yggdrasil over a decade ago. Usually she stayed by foot, finding herself traveling easier when she could stay connected to nature, the trees and plants guiding the age old paths she was used to walking for hundreds of years.

But she also knew that humans were not fit for such travel. It was easier for them to travel in much more… efficient ways, and one of those was by boat. Irene, did she hate the boat, but if it was best for her boys, so be it.

Being the way he was, Levin of course argued that he and Malachi, to the older brother's dismay, were perfectly capable of traveling by foot. But Zoey’s argument stood, along with her reasoning that they would have to stop to rest every two hours during the several day trip from Yggdrasil to Phoenix Drop. Eventually the youngest caved and let her sail them home.

The elf now sat on deck, cross legged as she looked up at the endless blue sky above, white fluffy clouds scattered about in long spindly shapes. She held her worn journal on her lap, paying attention to the soft sea wind flipping the pages and brushing back her long, golden yellow hair. 

She now reached up and caressed a small lock of it, twirling it around her finger as she lost herself in thought.

_ Portals and immortality. _

Those were the subjects on Zoey’s mind lately, and she felt so close to a solution on the decade long mystery that was Lord Aphmau’s disappearance. Letting out a pensive sigh, she slumped in her sitting position leaning against the foremast, and stared at the page open in front of her, full of her cursive chicken scratch.

Her mind slipped free of her troubles very quickly however, as two boys emerged from the ship’s cabin and walked over to sit down next to her. The brown haired man, now quickly approaching his human twenties, settled down at one side and Levin at the other. Malachi towered over her in size, Zoey realized, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. Levin was considerably shorter however, the fact of which he complained about quite often. In a way, they were both her small boys, still young and frolicking and precious in her eyes. 

That was why she knew she couldn’t go anywhere without them by her side.

And that was why she knew she would never, ever, ever stop trying to get their real mother back, no matter how much Malachi had missed her or how much Levin had forgotten her. She would give anything of hers up to have their Lord back, even if it meant the young blonde man would have to rule in her place for now.

They would have their happily ever after, even if she wouldn’t.

The option weighed on her mind once more, the fact that there was the slimmest of chances she could sacrifice her immortality to open the portal that held their former Lord captive.

But right now, she was very unsure. She wasn't sure if she knew a single thing.

And right now, that was okay.

Right now, they were sailing to Phoenix Drop. A new chapter, a new opportunity for her boys. Her research could continue once they had settled back into the home she hadn't seen in nearly a score's time.

Zoey lifted both her arms and stretched them behind her, winding one around each of her boys. They both happily leaned in, their mops of fluffy, ruffled hair tickling the sides of her face, now flushed with the warmth of the spring sun as her eyes held a genuine smile just as bright. The elf spread her fingers apart in invitation, and the eldest of the brothers chuckled and enveloped her hand in his own large one, squeezing with a tightness and tenderness that thanked her for the many years of parental care she had so selflessly given them. Levin sighed and completely relaxed at her other side, head tilted up to the blue sky and its spindly clouds, gently promising the opportunity of happier days, a happier future.

_ My boys, _

_ We’re going home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is!   
> This was my first ever aphmau related thing i've written, so let me know how you liked it! I may or may not have plans for future stories, so i just might if i get enough kudos. Thanks for viewing!


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